apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
