She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
