omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
