this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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