cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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