So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
