just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
