I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm passing your future prison.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
