I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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