I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
