in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
