i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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