Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
