I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
