omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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