You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
