we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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