I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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