Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
