woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
