Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
