Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
