i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
