i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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