I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
