Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
