I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
