I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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