so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
