If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
