at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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