I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
