Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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