my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
