he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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