would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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