He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
