I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
