70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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