it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize