Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
