well I can't set my house on fire every night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
