Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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