Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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