Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
