I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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