i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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