I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
