it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
