Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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