you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
