mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
