Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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