Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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