You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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