I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
