i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
