I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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