My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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