I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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